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Does my photo look like I'm flipping you the paw? Sorry about that......

 $5 off Coupon: "SAVE" at PetMountain.com

I once ate a parrot and had a cracker craving for days.

World War III has started as Iceland attacks everyone else with a volcano... who
knew they had weapons of ash destruction.

I'VE REACHED COMPUTER HACKER STATUS AS I JUST HACKED UP FURBALL ON KEYBOARD
#CAPSLOCKKEYSTUCK

Strolled thru some poison ivy today... doesn't bother me but everyone else in house
has eyes swollen shut with welts.

I don't know about y'all but I'm tweetin' absolutely naked from head to tail right
now.

Graffiti on litterbox wall - "For a good time follow @FollowCat !!!"

What do Tiger Woods, David Letterman, Jesse James, John Edwards & a horny alley cat
have in common? #NotTrickQuestion

We once had a goldfish who "accidentally" flopped himself down hallway & under
refrigerator (still there) #UnreachableCatToy

Gonna try growing chipmunks in garden this year... hope they multiply because I just
buried my lunch.

Extra Virgin Olive Oil... wouldn't you like to think that all olives used in oil
were virgins?

Believe me - typos are abundant if you have paaws.

I once read a 500-page book... Ok I actually just sat on the book.

To celebrate Earth Day I hugged & climbed 2 trees. #TreeHugger #TreeClimber

♫ Do-Re-Meow-Fa-So-La-Ti ♫ - Carnegie Hall... Here I Come!

It would really suck if I was allergic to cat dander.

Start planning for your retirement today... mice don't grow on trees you know.

Stand up comedy wouldn't be good for me - I prefer to do it while lying down.

My tryout for "Dancing with the Stars" was a disaster... apparently I dance with
four left feet.

Whenever something breaks around the condo I like to blame the dog... never works
because there is no dog here.

Just ate some fresh grass... just puked... eating more grass... puked again...
eating some more grass...

To err is human; to pretend you meant to err is feline.

Once worked at fair in concession stand until people complained about fur in food...
they switched me to cotton candy booth.

I'm exhausted - had a case of insomnia yesterday and only slept 14 hours.

I once ate a wild mushroom out at the lakes and then thought I saw the Apocalypse.

Cat Bible Verse - Ask, Ask, Ask, Ask, Ask, Ask, Ask, Ask, Ask, Ask and Ye Shall
Receive.

Task 1 completed - Today's newspaper shredded before being read by others.

[in self-clean mode]

Cats are smarter than babies because we toilet train ourselves.

Oh Oh - got a zit on my chin! I raided chicken grease in pan left on stove last
nite... also have been in litterbox all day.

Anybody notice that @sockington looks like Adolf Hitler? Be careful on who you
follow on Twitter. #CatAdvice

I was hiding some Easter eggs & just found 2 I hid from last year. Someone's gonna
get a tasty surprise.

If cats had wings... birds would be really screwed.

Most cats have tattoos - you just can't see them. We wear our gang symbols... I'm in
the Fang gang.

Move over "Tea Party" cause I'm starting the "Catnippuccino Party" - our platform
includes 0 hour workdays for all.

Taught the female human today that hoop earrings shouldn't be worn while around me.

For some reason when I watch Pamela Anderson on 'Dancing With the Stars' I get a
craving for milk.

My favorite TV channels - CNBC, Weather Channel, TVGuide or any other station with a
moving ticker.

Tiger Woods on 1st tee at The Masters - "OK everyone... watch out for my wayward
balls."

#ItsReallyAnnoying Fur clumps in unreachable places

Tried digging to China in litterbox but instead I gave a concussion to lady in
downstairs condo with renegade ceiling fan.

The veterinarian told me to add greenery to my diet... so I've been eating parakeets
lately.

#nowplaying with a twist tie

Had a bad fur day... I look like a tumbleweed with fangs.

Comments by Pat Robertson will bring bad Voodoo upon himself... I also just shipped
him some freshly bad Catdoo.

Oh Boy Oh Boy... I hope I get tissue paper again for Christmas!

Offered role in new R-Rated film "Tweets of Passion". I told them "No sex scenes for
me... only heavy petting."

Bummer of a Twitter ID to have... @TigerWoods

Twitter hacked by responding to DM - "Smarter than the Iranian Cyber Army? Take Our
IQ Quiz!"

OK I have now lost interest in Tiger Woods because I'm a cat and have a short
attention span. I shall now play ping-pong

Tiger Woods had 9 mistresses but that's just the front nine... back nine coming soon
to make it complete 18 mistress course.

Yawnnnn... It's past midnight which means it's time for me to wake up and harass
anyone trying to sleep.

Tiger Woods is now changing his name to Cheetah Woods... still a cat.

Wow - Tiger Woods really is a cat. 9 mistresses... more or less 9 lives!

Just voted @Alyssa_Milano for Twitter User I'd Most Like To Cuddle With
http://mashable.com/owa #openwebawards

Tiger Woods: golfer caught catting around who could use a few mulligans after his
balls went astray.

I'm stuffed from yesterday's lunch still but feel "bushy-tailed" today for some
reason http://twitpic.com/rzhrx

http://twitpic.com/rzhrx - Last Photo Of Crasher Squirrel's Life

Oh-Oh! I was 'Thinking Outside the Box' a dash to far & left a couple nuggets of
wisdom on the carpet. #CantBuryThose

My new cat toy biz - "Downloadable Paper Wads". Paypal me $4.95 for instructions to
print out & crumple up.

Going vegetarian there was no "thrill of the hunt" chasing vegetables... except for
the brussel sprouts

Went vegetarian yesterday - ate only carrots & lettuce... today I have ballistic
bunny farts. Back to meat I go!

I tweeted to much about cat farts lately so instead I'll tweet about my hunting
skills which are "silent but deadly".

Yes! Figured out that with head butt I can turn bathroom sink on. I hope lady in
downstairs condo likes her new swimming pool.

Re: last tweet - onions in gravy is toxic for cats (explains farts) so next
Thanksgiving I shall play with machetes instead

Thanksgiving turkey was great but onion gravy getting to my system... someone pull
my paw. #CatFartComing

Breaking News - @sockington discovered to be a catbot when 2 AA batteries were found
in his litterbox

listening to "Bird Calls" on ♫ blip.fm ♫ - it's like ear candy for cats.

Dreamt I was chasing deer last nite & kicked the covers, pillows & 2 people off the
bed.

Fed an adorably cute chickadee on bird feeder today... to myself. Bon Appetit!

Step 1 for giving your cat a bath: Brush your teeth & make sure your tongue is clean
before you start.

Oops - just sat down hard on my racquetball... it looks like I have the ass of a
baboon. MEDIC!

Played chess - pummeled pawns, excommunicated bishops under fridge, left horsies
alone & ousted king off balcony. Checkmate!

Veterinarian showed me a rectal thermometer today - I showed him one of his eyebrows
in my paw.

Computer has been in shop for a couple days. Let's just say that keyboards and
clumping cat litter are a bad mix.

Tried eCatHarmony dating site - they matched me up with an Afghan blanket... we
slept together on 1st date.

Irony - People getting their Twitter accounts hacked while trying to take an IQ quiz

Have a feeling my last tweet went over the heads of younger cats... Wikipedia it!

Yuck! Just found human hair in my Soylent Green Cat Chow... what do they put in this
stuff?

Sorry about not tweeting for a couple days... Cat Got My Tongue

Never eat the ball of yarn you play with! I just pooped out a mitten that would fit
the Incredible Hulk.

If you have the ability to throw up more than you actually ate... there is a good
chance you are a cat.

I was one of 8 kittens. You may remember my mom from Animal Planet's short-lived TV
reality show "Octocat".

Fun way to wake people up - Locate your longest whisker & insert deep inside their
nostril... Instant Eye-Opener!

Great Looking Audience! I just flew in from out of town and boy are my paws tired.
#BadCatJoke

Guess I shouldn't have marked my territory by spraying the veterinarian... got
arrested for "feliney assault".

http://twitpic.com/oii3z - OK - Who was the wise ass that did this?

Bummer! Got paranoid when I heard a police siren & flushed my bag of catnip down the
toilet. It was a fire truck!

Had "Dog Whisperer" @cesarmillan over for experimental cat training... he didn't
learn anything but I loved his accent.

The 1st rule of Cat Club is: You do not talk about Cat Club... unless during our
annual membership drive & bake sale.

I wonder who @sockington had to sleep with at Twitter to get on their "Suggested
Users" list?

Got tons of "lose 25 lbs" spam DMs today - Do I look like I need to lose 25 lbs?
Don't answer that! (I'm a big-boned cat)

http://twitpic.com/n8e2l - I call this my "flat on my back under the blanket &
passed out" pose

I like to follow houseguests into the bathroom & just stare - Causing "Potty Freeze
Complex" makes me laugh my furry ass off!

I'm not allowed to be on dining table or kitchen counters... except in middle of the
night when I break all rules possible.

Tripped human as he was walking down hall. His head is now sticking thru my bedroom
wall & looks like hunting trophy mount.

Tobias reminding you: Help control the Twitter population. Have yourself spayed or
neutered. Goodbye everybody!

Almost caught bird taunting me on balcony today... instead got mild concussion & my
"happy face" imprint on sliding glass door.

I find Siamese cats to be extremely sexy... except when they are cross-eyed.

Tried to wake my humans at 5:17 AM, 5:20 AM, 5:22 AM, 5:25 AM, 5:28 AM... Finally
got fed & went back to bed!

Just cleaned myself in tail area... now have that "not so fresh" smell on my
forehead.

I think I'm all Maine Coon but my dad left after a "one moment stand"... could be
part Tasmanian Devil.

I just found out that I was fixed... didn't even know I was ever broken.

Woah - my morning/afternoon nap was interrupted by furball that coincidentally looks like Kanye West - eBay here I come!

I always get my way through the power of purrsuasion

My problem with Twitter - Too many camgirls and not enough catgirls

Ever notice when you eat mice that you "squeak" when you pass gas... or is that just
me?

I see 20+ cat toys laying on the floor to play with. I choose........ that piece of
lint over there instead.

What? You don't like cats? In your next life... you will be a mouse

Sure I'll follow you... especially if you're pulling a string.

I hate the taste of houseplants... but I love the ripping sound of the leaves I pull
off them.

I love all these default bird avatars.... they look delicious!

Great news - someone just DMed me saying I could make $125 a day... that's $875 in
cat dollars!

Get 400 cats following you per day on Twitter with CatTrafficMachine! Tools needed
... Twitter, Tuna & Non-Camgirl Avatar

Well I slept in the closet all day & now I smell like shoes

Tonight....... I roam! Tomorrow.... I sleep, eat & roam!